I'm not doing well, but I am?

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Hi everybody,

The Spring semester has just ended and I received the highest grades of my college career so far. My mom is happy with that, though she is upset that I only got B's in English and History. Oh well, I'm okay with B's.

I'm getting my usual summer depression. It occurs nearly every year after my classes end and I'm left with nothing to do. I don't know why. It feels like everybody loves summer and finds it fun but I don't. To remedy this, I'm trying to find a job to keep busy so my mind doesn't wander (as much) and I can also earn some money to help out my mother, a teacher who gets summer off, and my recently unemployed sister.

Job interviews make me so nervous. I struggle with what to wear and what to say. I had an interview at a grocery store for their bakery. I really want this job, I love baking and the hours and days sound ideal for me. I was told that they would call me this weekend or next Monday to set up a second interview with the store manager, who will "ask me a few more questions". I know it isn't the weekend yet, but I'm panicking so much that they won't call and that was just their way of getting me to "go away", so to speak. I have an interview at the dollar store on Friday, but I don't think I have any chance of getting that job. My mom says places don't want to hire me because I am pretty overweight and have an odd body shape. She says stores and food places like to only hire thin and pretty girls and not people who look like me (overweight, with pimples and glasses). I don't think that is true, I see girls who look like me working at all sorts of places. It hurts my feelings a lot, and I hope that it is just her way of motivating me to lose weight. I'm working pretty hard at weight loss, but it isn't good enough for her. I am eating healthier foods and fewer things like chips, cookies, and candy. I am going for exercise bike rides and swims at the local gym nearly every day. I never get anywhere though.

I fear that I am becoming suicidal again. I have struggled on and off with suicidal thoughts for years and self-injury since I was seven. I keep thinking about ways to hurt myself where no one will find the cuts, but I can't think of anywhere, because I am getting surgery in July and will probably be completely nude in front of doctors (I'm sorry if that is TMI) while they are doing the surgery (another thing that is worrying me).

Basically, I can't wait for the fall semester. I'll get to see my friend more often because she lives on the other side of town but we go to the same school and my instructors, whom I really like.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for your time. Any thoughts or suggestions are appreciated.

Hey give yourself a bit of credit - you're doing well at your studies, you have identified that you have a problem with downtime at this time of year and have taken on things to help you cope with those problems, that also help out your mother and sister. You're putting yourself out there with looking for work and usually, being asked back for a second interview is a good sign. You identified you have a problem with your weight and are altering your diet and upping your exercise accordingly. Sometimes weight loss can just take time and consistent effort. Just because you don't see results straight away doesn't mean it won't get you anywhere. If it really bothers you, maybe you could consider aerobic exercise (as we're often told, the best kind for weight loss, as it keeps your heartrate above the required rate for the required time) that is also social, and activates the feel-good endorphins? Dance would seem to meet that criteria. Would that interest you?
Your mother's comments don't seem very positive, even if she is trying to motivate you. What's wrong with motivating you with positive reinforcement, acknowledging your efforts already and focusing on the health and social benefits of weight loss you will enjoy when you slim down, instead of being so negative on you? Some people just seem to love being horrible, that doesn't necessarily reflect on you. Have you challenged her on why she has to behave in this way, and told her it upsets you? Plus being big doesn't necessitate looking unattractive. I have known many big girls who had great style and always looked interesting and fashionable. Maybe focus on just looking good how you are, as you continue with your weight loss plans? Can you apply for some summer internship options, to keep you close to your studies and maybe earn some extra credit, plus fulfilling your need for distraction over the break?
You don't need to hurt yourself just because of some nasty comments, or some situational depressiveness.
This reads like you're doing ok managing things, you just need to keep it up and supplement your efforts as much as you can until next term!

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

I heard from the place that I have a second interview at, but they are calling to set it up Tuesday night, and the interview won't be until Wednesday or Thursday. I'm so anxious. I'm really hoping for this job, and I hope my patience pays off.

The interview at the dollar store on Friday went pretty well too, so maybe that is a possibility. I will be hearing from them tomorrow, hopefully. I'd prefer the first job because it is closer to where I live, but would be happy with either, as long as I get something I can do.

I went to the doctor earlier today, and found out that I have lost five pounds in about three weeks. This summer, I hope to get in the pool because that is good exercise. I have just been going for short walks, so I should be doing more.

Thanks again for your reply