29 is closing in and nothing is getting better for me
06 Jun 2017, 8:40 pm
razzio wrote:
I Always think of the past some times but. If think about it all the time it will take over and cause me more problems. The past makes us but the future is where we are now and we should acknowledge past but think of the future.
My therapist tells me the present is the state I should be in. I find that both the past and future hurt to think about but it's so hard for me not to.
07 Jun 2017, 4:54 am
I am 32 and I have been bullied at school all way throw and then severe mental illness from leaving school at 16 for two years and didn’t get help and then had nerves breakdown at 19. And then developed into ocd. which became so severe I would have been put in hospital and didn’t get help for ocd for 6 years. So I have been throw really back times in the past. And I know all that has affected me. I sometimes thinks how am going to put that in the past. And what has it done to my brain. But like I said. Hope is the one human thing we can have for the future.
Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,487
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
07 Jun 2017, 10:25 pm
Marknis wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I think there is some truth in that for sure...try to quit comparing your life to other peoples so much, and try and quit obsessing over time running out. I think that would help more than you think. I mean surely there is more to your life than simply not having a girlfriend do you like any kinds of music, movies or shows? Do you have any hobbies or activities you enjoy? I'd say focusing more on the things you enjoy and less on what you don't have could help brighten your general perspective which would likely give you a more appealing demeanor and attitude.
You're not going to get a girlfriend by negatively comparing yourself to others all the time and being so worried about time running out you'd just want to rush though the beginning stages of dating and getting to know someone.
As for still living at your moms, do you have any plans to change that? If you're working you could probably start looking into finding your own place...look into getting room-mates if you cant afford it on your own. It would be good for you, and finding a girlfriend.
You're not going to get a girlfriend by negatively comparing yourself to others all the time and being so worried about time running out you'd just want to rush though the beginning stages of dating and getting to know someone.
As for still living at your moms, do you have any plans to change that? If you're working you could probably start looking into finding your own place...look into getting room-mates if you cant afford it on your own. It would be good for you, and finding a girlfriend.
Besides the girlfriend thing, I've lost hope in some other dreams. I used to want to be in a band but I either had no friends who were interested in music or I knew some people who were but there were no slots in the band for me to join or they had different musical visions than I did. I also struggled at the guitar even though I loved rock music and even to this day, I still struggle with the guitar whenever I try to play it again and can only play simple or relatively simple songs. I also had art related dreams but my drawing sucks no matter how hard I try at it and I failed an art class in college. I haven't watched any anime, read any manga or comics for a while now, and have hardly listened to any of music albums since the depression sometimes kills my passion for them.
You have to remember that I live in the Bible Belt and the social atmosphere is based around being an as*hole instead of being an intelligent person. Binge drinking and smoking, Trump praising, dangerous driving, country music praising, and getting in fights for stupid reasons is considered socially acceptable
while being open minded and expanding your knowledge is considered "weird". It often makes me feel like I'll have to become like one of those guys if I want a girlfriend.
I don't know if I have enough money to afford an apartment and my mother freaks out when I talk about moving out. She is convinced I am unable to be independent and that I will die on the streets if I don't live with her.
auntblabby wrote:
I think the OP is feeling bad about [among other things] not knowing how to/not being able to achieve the beginning stages of dating and getting to know somebody. he can't find a way into the scene, so to speak.
Exactly. It feels like a party that everyone else got invited to while my invitation got lost in the mail.
Sweetleaf wrote:
How is it you've failed to establish any relationships except for one? To me that looks like you're saying you did establish a relationship and it didn't work out which isn't exactly a failure most peoples first relationship doesn't last. How did you establish that relationship? and why didn't it work out?
Also women can't hate you if they don't even know you're there which if you've given up entirely for the time being is likely....I think it is more you hate yourself and you're projecting that(not judging, I've done it to in the past when I have been depressed) you should work towards coming to like yourself more cause if you hate yourself its going to make it really hard for anyone to befriend you or form a romantic relationship.
Also women can't hate you if they don't even know you're there which if you've given up entirely for the time being is likely....I think it is more you hate yourself and you're projecting that(not judging, I've done it to in the past when I have been depressed) you should work towards coming to like yourself more cause if you hate yourself its going to make it really hard for anyone to befriend you or form a romantic relationship.
I suffer from crippling shyness and anxiety when it comes to approaching women for more than just standard conversation. That relationship only happened because the girl expressed interest in me and initiated things instead of waiting around like what society tells women to do. It also happened after I went through an exasperating summer of being rejected by another girl and trying but never succeeding at dating sites. It didn't work out because I kept getting anxious about our schedules and I didn't use protection when we had sex; I didn't know how easy it was to get protection and I was also worried what my mother would say since she monitors my bank account. Fortunately, I didn't get her pregnant.
It sounds like your depression and anxiety are your biggest problems right now, and you should focus on finding a way to effectively cope with those and get it more under control. I mean maybe an anxiety medication could help, or counseling therapy or whatever I can't say what would specifically work for you but I'd certainly advise working on that then it would make it easier to find and keep a relationship as well as being able to enjoy the interests you do have so that it could be a topic of conversation.
Also your mom sounds a little bit over-protective why does she monitor your bank account? and if you've kept a job for 10 years its a bit irrational of her to think you'll end up dead on the streets if you don't live with her I'd think. I mean sure if you moved out with nowhere to go...but obviously that is not what I recommend. Either way you're an adult you can and should get condoms for sex that's being responsible, not a good thing if worries of what your parent will think stops you being responsible. Either way sounds like building some distance between you and your mom would be helpful. And perhaps just make it a goal to move out eventually, if you meet someone still living there then you and her could plan to get a place together as a goal not something immediate. Obviously you'd have to save up for a while to afford to move out.
_________________
We won't go back.
07 Jun 2017, 10:49 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
I think there is some truth in that for sure...try to quit comparing your life to other peoples so much, and try and quit obsessing over time running out. I think that would help more than you think. I mean surely there is more to your life than simply not having a girlfriend do you like any kinds of music, movies or shows? Do you have any hobbies or activities you enjoy? I'd say focusing more on the things you enjoy and less on what you don't have could help brighten your general perspective which would likely give you a more appealing demeanor and attitude.
You're not going to get a girlfriend by negatively comparing yourself to others all the time and being so worried about time running out you'd just want to rush though the beginning stages of dating and getting to know someone.
As for still living at your moms, do you have any plans to change that? If you're working you could probably start looking into finding your own place...look into getting room-mates if you cant afford it on your own. It would be good for you, and finding a girlfriend.
You're not going to get a girlfriend by negatively comparing yourself to others all the time and being so worried about time running out you'd just want to rush though the beginning stages of dating and getting to know someone.
As for still living at your moms, do you have any plans to change that? If you're working you could probably start looking into finding your own place...look into getting room-mates if you cant afford it on your own. It would be good for you, and finding a girlfriend.
Marknis, I have to agree with Sweetleaf here. Just like I had to find something else worth enjoying or pursuing (i.e. a degree in library science) since it will be a while before I "find" a boyfriend, or the fact that it'll be a while before I ever move out of my parents' house, I encourage you to face the facts about your current situation but still be optimistic about what you do have and enjoy, even if other people frown upon it.
Tell me, Marknis: do you like reading? Writing? I think I read somewhere that you enjoy reading/watching manga and anime, right? If I were you and had a chance, I would learn how to write short stories and books/novels. (I once wanted to be a manga artist, but that won't happen for a while...) Nowadays, so many books have been adapted into films and comics - and people still prefer the written book! Even if writing is not your hobby, surely there's something you like to do?
Another thing: who said that you need to have a girlfriend to be happy? And if you do get into a relationship, are you emotionally prepared to make sacrifices for the time you'll spend with her, or for a potential break-up? I know that when I obsess/hyper-focus on something, I can miss very important details that would otherwise cause me to back up and reevaluate all my priorities. For example: I would like to be able to say that I'm in a relationship, but that would also cost me some of my free time I would otherwise have to do some of the things I enjoy doing, especially reading, family time, and going to school - it's a double-sided coin, you see...
11 Jun 2017, 12:52 am
Sweetleaf wrote:
It sounds like your depression and anxiety are your biggest problems right now, and you should focus on finding a way to effectively cope with those and get it more under control. I mean maybe an anxiety medication could help, or counseling therapy or whatever I can't say what would specifically work for you but I'd certainly advise working on that then it would make it easier to find and keep a relationship as well as being able to enjoy the interests you do have so that it could be a topic of conversation.
Also your mom sounds a little bit over-protective why does she monitor your bank account? and if you've kept a job for 10 years its a bit irrational of her to think you'll end up dead on the streets if you don't live with her I'd think. I mean sure if you moved out with nowhere to go...but obviously that is not what I recommend. Either way you're an adult you can and should get condoms for sex that's being responsible, not a good thing if worries of what your parent will think stops you being responsible. Either way sounds like building some distance between you and your mom would be helpful. And perhaps just make it a goal to move out eventually, if you meet someone still living there then you and her could plan to get a place together as a goal not something immediate. Obviously you'd have to save up for a while to afford to move out.
Also your mom sounds a little bit over-protective why does she monitor your bank account? and if you've kept a job for 10 years its a bit irrational of her to think you'll end up dead on the streets if you don't live with her I'd think. I mean sure if you moved out with nowhere to go...but obviously that is not what I recommend. Either way you're an adult you can and should get condoms for sex that's being responsible, not a good thing if worries of what your parent will think stops you being responsible. Either way sounds like building some distance between you and your mom would be helpful. And perhaps just make it a goal to move out eventually, if you meet someone still living there then you and her could plan to get a place together as a goal not something immediate. Obviously you'd have to save up for a while to afford to move out.
I've been in therapy since 2006 but my current therapist has been the longest one I've been with. She's actually been the best out of all of the ones I've had but the environment I am in still drags me back down. The Bible Belt is just a sick and hypocritical culture but a good chunk of my family is molded into it and they try to tell me I am wrong about my feelings toward this place and need to embrace it.
My mother is a self-admitted "control freak" even though it wears her out and makes her feel miserable. That is partly why she monitors it and it's also because she thinks my hobbies are "weird". She actually thinks condoms are pointless and thinks it should only be the woman who uses birth control even though both of my siblings have gotten girls pregnant out of wedlock because the girls willingly forsook the pills they were taking. Can you believe a doctor is saying this? She has some internalized sexism in that she thinks men should always be the leaders and women are supposed to be silent as well as fragile.
11 Jun 2017, 1:24 am
JamiLynn wrote:
Marknis, I have to agree with Sweetleaf here. Just like I had to find something else worth enjoying or pursuing (i.e. a degree in library science) since it will be a while before I "find" a boyfriend, or the fact that it'll be a while before I ever move out of my parents' house, I encourage you to face the facts about your current situation but still be optimistic about what you do have and enjoy, even if other people frown upon it.
Tell me, Marknis: do you like reading? Writing? I think I read somewhere that you enjoy reading/watching manga and anime, right? If I were you and had a chance, I would learn how to write short stories and books/novels. (I once wanted to be a manga artist, but that won't happen for a while...) Nowadays, so many books have been adapted into films and comics - and people still prefer the written book! Even if writing is not your hobby, surely there's something you like to do?
Another thing: who said that you need to have a girlfriend to be happy? And if you do get into a relationship, are you emotionally prepared to make sacrifices for the time you'll spend with her, or for a potential break-up? I know that when I obsess/hyper-focus on something, I can miss very important details that would otherwise cause me to back up and reevaluate all my priorities. For example: I would like to be able to say that I'm in a relationship, but that would also cost me some of my free time I would otherwise have to do some of the things I enjoy doing, especially reading, family time, and going to school - it's a double-sided coin, you see...
Tell me, Marknis: do you like reading? Writing? I think I read somewhere that you enjoy reading/watching manga and anime, right? If I were you and had a chance, I would learn how to write short stories and books/novels. (I once wanted to be a manga artist, but that won't happen for a while...) Nowadays, so many books have been adapted into films and comics - and people still prefer the written book! Even if writing is not your hobby, surely there's something you like to do?
Another thing: who said that you need to have a girlfriend to be happy? And if you do get into a relationship, are you emotionally prepared to make sacrifices for the time you'll spend with her, or for a potential break-up? I know that when I obsess/hyper-focus on something, I can miss very important details that would otherwise cause me to back up and reevaluate all my priorities. For example: I would like to be able to say that I'm in a relationship, but that would also cost me some of my free time I would otherwise have to do some of the things I enjoy doing, especially reading, family time, and going to school - it's a double-sided coin, you see...
I do like reading and writing but the depressed feelings I've had lately have made me slack in those regards. I do enjoy both anime and manga although I have kept up with the latter more than the former.
I live in a culture where reading is considered "gay" by most of the people in it. They'd rather drink until they pass out, smoke until their nostrils burn, go hunting with machine guns, drive dangerously, blast country music, praise Trump, treat women like they are just sex toys, and groan about how America is supposed to be a Christian nation. A small but growing number also think only white people, specifically Anglo-Saxon (Even other white groups such as Spanish, Italian, Greek, Armenian, and Georgian don't count as white people to them even though they are), can be Christians as well as Americans; my older brother is one of those people and it's sickening. I find it ridiculous when liberal groups try to portray all white people, especially males, as walking in lockstep but I can assure you it is not the case. As someone of Anglo-Saxon descent, my biggest bullies and terrorizers were other Anglo-Saxon males. They called me "homo", "freak", and "loser" while beating me up and scorned the things I was interested in. I see more white Christians than any other ethnic group express disdain for heavy metal music, European culture, and Wicca as well. Sorry if I went off on too much of a tangent. I do want to say this is not a pro-white guilt rant. I just think the social and political narratives that try to portray all white people as hugging and kissing each other is just ridiculous. I am also trying to illustrate why I have a tough time in the culture I am from and why it makes finding a girlfriend feel like I am banging ny head against the wall.
Ironically, I've been told more often than not that relationships are miserable but I keep seeing the same people continue to get involved with relationships. As far as sacrifices go, I think I could handle them as long as I don't have to completely change who I am.
12 Jun 2017, 7:23 pm
Partly why I have been having a hard time keeping my interests is because I used to romanticize alternative cultures. I thought the people in them would be more open minded and accepting as well as more willing to be my friend but I found out or should've known from some previous experiences that people are still flawed no matter culture they are from. A lot of the other metal heads and punks I've encountered were smoking and drinking as well as talking "bro talk" (One even told one I went to work with that his girlfriend was going to let him "do her in the ass") and objectifying women just as much as the rednecks and gangster rappers were as well. The women who went to the shows didn't want to "jump my bones" as I hoped they would but instead treated me just as indifferently as mainstream women have. Some didn't even like the bands, they just wanted to party.
I've also been treated poorly by other anime and manga fans. One mocked me for having Aspergers, another mocked me because I didn't know who he was talking about when he said he saw a figure of Major (Referring to Motoko Kusanagi. I am not a big fan of Ghost In The Shell, btw, due to the fanboys griping about the live-action movie when they haven't even read the original manga.), and one of the girls who turned me down when I asked her out told me she liked manga as well.
I heard and read stories from guys who said they met girls at places like music venues and anime conventions; they even mentioned the girls immediately wanting to have sex with them. I guess a part of me was hoping something similar would happen to me as well but I just end up coming and going alone.
16 Jun 2017, 5:33 pm
Your obsession is still there if you mention the word 'girlfriend' again.
I am dealing same crap about wanting a girlfriend. Now I am stopping thinking about it. I have friends to worry about. Try do the friends thing first and see how it go. Have yourself productive and motivational. Do the things you love and show people you can do this. Show autism is not a barrier.
17 Jun 2017, 12:21 am
hurtloam wrote:
I understand. The thing is, when there are things in life that we have no control over, it's best to focus on things that we can do and can control and get some satisfaction from.
I'm struggling to follow that advice myself at the moment. I just have no motivation. I'm just tired all the time.
I should start painting pictures again. I should also start doing my cross stitch again. And I think I'm going to buy a skateboard.
What do you like doing?
I'm struggling to follow that advice myself at the moment. I just have no motivation. I'm just tired all the time.
I should start painting pictures again. I should also start doing my cross stitch again. And I think I'm going to buy a skateboard.
What do you like doing?
I too need to skate more.
You just reminded me I also need new Vans.
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"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
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17 Jun 2017, 2:08 pm
Ecomatt91 wrote:
Your obsession is still there if you mention the word 'girlfriend' again.
I am dealing same crap about wanting a girlfriend. Now I am stopping thinking about it. I have friends to worry about. Try do the friends thing first and see how it go. Have yourself productive and motivational. Do the things you love and show people you can do this. Show autism is not a barrier.
I am dealing same crap about wanting a girlfriend. Now I am stopping thinking about it. I have friends to worry about. Try do the friends thing first and see how it go. Have yourself productive and motivational. Do the things you love and show people you can do this. Show autism is not a barrier.
I don't have very many friends, though, and trying to make new ones when you don't fit in culturally feels like you are banging your head against a wall.
