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NTs thinking we are doing 'power moves'

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KitLily
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25 Nov 2023, 8:09 am

I read this brilliant post on another forum saying that when autists correct facts that other people get wrong, it's seen as a 'power move' to undermine or exclude or challenge other people i.e. NT people.

I wondered if everything we do and say is seen as a 'power move'? Because NTs are obsessed with their place in the hierarchy and covering up any mistakes they make. Whereas we're obsessed with our own interests and information, or whatever.

It explains a lot to me about why I'm accepted at first, then suddenly the outcast of the group and I don't know why. People can't work out this 'power move' game I'm playing...but I'm actually not playing a game at all.

e.g. when my daughter was little, she told me which kids she wanted to come to her birthday parties. So I invited those kids. Only to find that some of the mothers took offence when I didn't invite their kids. They thought I was doing a 'power move' but I was just trying to make my daughter happy.

What do you think?


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Edna3362
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25 Nov 2023, 8:29 am

Sure.

Questions as a form of defiance or demand.
Corrections as a form of undermining.
Suggestions as a form of imposing.
Relating by sharing similar experiences as a way to one upping.

Social reservation as a form of aloof superiority.
Sharing as a form of arrogance or telling of a know it all or worse, some intrusive advertising.

And several confused cues as a form of redirecting or shifting... Or whatever it was perceived as rude or dishonest.



What else? :D

Let's add EF issues into the mix as well! :lol:

Forgetfulness, disorganization and dysregulation as a form of disinterest, dishonesty, and disregard for others.
Poor working memory, at worst, is playing dumb.
Poor task initiation and task switching as a form of laziness.
Poor regulation skills as a form of negligence and unreliability...
Etc...


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KitLily
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25 Nov 2023, 8:45 am

Jeez. No wonder we are disliked. Seems there's no hope for us!


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blitzkrieg
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25 Nov 2023, 9:30 am

Whenever I have corrected bosses at previous workplaces - in any scenario, it is usually not taken well and seen as a challenge to the power structure of a given organisation.



funeralxempire
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25 Nov 2023, 10:17 am

Because we are, we just aren't aware that's what we're doing.


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KitLily
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25 Nov 2023, 10:27 am

blitzkrieg wrote:
Whenever I have corrected bosses at previous workplaces - in any scenario, it is usually not taken well and seen as a challenge to the power structure of a given organisation.


Oh I'm sure I've done that. And 'unofficial bosses' e.g. social groups. Correcting the 'leader' is not welcomed.


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KitLily
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25 Nov 2023, 10:28 am

funeralxempire wrote:
Because we are, we just aren't aware that's what we're doing.


I'm not, I'm just correcting incorrect information so the person has all the correct facts. Why wouldn't they want the correct facts/information? What if they made a mistake and got into trouble/danger because no one had given them the correct information? I'm helping them, even saving them.


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funeralxempire
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25 Nov 2023, 10:57 am

KitLily wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
Because we are, we just aren't aware that's what we're doing.


I'm not, I'm just correcting incorrect information so the person has all the correct facts. Why wouldn't they want the correct facts/information? What if they made a mistake and got into trouble/danger because no one had given them the correct information? I'm helping them, even saving them.


You're only seeing it from your perspective and that's why you don't get why the offence is being caused.

If there's an audience, correcting someone will likely be perceived as calling them out and challenging them. The fact that you're not intending for this or that you're unaware of this is completely irrelevant for the person it's being done to.

Refusing to acknowledge that's how it will consistently be seen doesn't change that's how it will consistently be seen.


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KitLily
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25 Nov 2023, 1:52 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
You're only seeing it from your perspective and that's why you don't get why the offence is being caused.

If there's an audience, correcting someone will likely be perceived as calling them out and challenging them. The fact that you're not intending for this or that you're unaware of this is completely irrelevant for the person it's being done to.

Refusing to acknowledge that's how it will consistently be seen doesn't change that's how it will consistently be seen.


But equally, aren't they only seeing it from their perspective? Not seeing it as a helpful and informative comment and realising my intention is to help and inform. If they are unaware of this, they are missing out.

There is no solution to this, it seems. Just hoping that once people get to know me/us, they realise I'm/we're being helpful and informative.


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funeralxempire
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25 Nov 2023, 2:01 pm

KitLily wrote:
But equally, aren't they only seeing it from their perspective? Not seeing it as a helpful and informative comment and realising my intention is to help and inform. If they are unaware of this, they are missing out.


If someone behaves rudely towards you, how much time do you spend trying to decipher their intentions, or do you just respond like they've been rude?

The solution, generally speaking, is to avoid creating the appearance of calling the incorrect person out. If it's your boss, bring the point up after the meeting unless there's a legit reason to not be able to wait.

If it's someone helping you, explaining something, etc and they fumble with their words, unless there's genuine confusion, just let it go.

If it's someone who's just "a leader" socially, you can still be careful with how you bring it up. You don't have to walk on eggshells to avoid hurting their feelings (I certainly don't), but you can still be tactful.

It's frustrating to have to be diplomatic when dealing with others, it'd be a lot easier if we didn't have to... until the consequences of not being diplomatic start to show themselves, then suddenly it seems a lot easier to just be diplomatic (or withdraw).

KitLily wrote:
Just hoping that once people get to know me/us, they realise I'm/we're being helpful and informative.


That can always help. Once people know how you operate they're less likely to assume motives that aren't there, because they've had more time to see what actually motivates you.


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25 Nov 2023, 9:57 pm

KitLily wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
Because we are, we just aren't aware that's what we're doing.


I'm not, I'm just correcting incorrect information so the person has all the correct facts. Why wouldn't they want the correct facts/information? What if they made a mistake and got into trouble/danger because no one had given them the correct information? I'm helping them, even saving them.

Try my culture -- it's not just workplace hierarchy.

There's ageism, elitism and whatever one seem to be owe and expect respect from others just because they worked harder/achieved something/lived longer/is richer/higher social status/etc.

It's a toxic trait from where I came from.
Some raised to be so petty because of this, some grew petty or even rant their so called humble beginnings, or look down upon anyone who hasn't able to pass the selection biases and had it worse.

It's a stupid setup.
Like how their experience and hardships kills their empathy because they see the world as 'fair'.


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CockneyRebel
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25 Nov 2023, 11:35 pm

That really gets my dander up. People accuse us of making power moves and than they abandon us forever.


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KitLily
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26 Nov 2023, 4:38 am

funeralxempire wrote:
If someone behaves rudely towards you, how much time do you spend trying to decipher their intentions, or do you just respond like they've been rude?

The solution, generally speaking, is to avoid creating the appearance of calling the incorrect person out.


I spend ages wondering why someone was rude to me. Was it something I said? Were they in a bad mood? Did I do something wrong? I think about it for ages, trying to work out their motivation. Probably less if it's a stranger but more if it's someone I know. Doesn't everyone wonder about their interactions with others?

I can try not to seem as if I'm calling them out, if I can work out what that means.

funeralxempire wrote:
KitLily wrote:
Just hoping that once people get to know me/us, they realise I'm/we're being helpful and informative.


That can always help. Once people know how you operate they're less likely to assume motives that aren't there, because they've had more time to see what actually motivates you.


I suppose it's just getting the chance for people to get to know me. These days I say one wrong thing and I'm dumped immediately. So no one ever gets to know me. Life didn't used to be like this, I used to have a group of friends. Something has changed in life.

But anyway, thanks for your advice Funeralxempire!


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KitLily
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26 Nov 2023, 4:40 am

Edna3362 wrote:
Try my culture -- it's not just workplace hierarchy.

There's ageism, elitism and whatever one seem to be owe and expect respect from others just because they worked harder/achieved something/lived longer/is richer/higher social status/etc.

It's a toxic trait from where I came from.
Some raised to be so petty because of this, some grew petty or even rant their so called humble beginnings, or look down upon anyone who hasn't able to pass the selection biases and had it worse.

It's a stupid setup.
Like how their experience and hardships kills their empathy because they see the world as 'fair'.


I think it's everywhere these days. I think human society is getting more and more hierarchical because there are more of us.

Now there are 8 billion humans crowding the planet, in the 1970s there were only about 4-5 billion. I think overcrowding brings out the worst in humans and probably every creature. :(


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KitLily
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26 Nov 2023, 4:42 am

CockneyRebel wrote:
That really gets my dander up. People accuse us of making power moves and than they abandon us forever.


That is the perfect summary for my life, friend! I say one wrong thing then I'm dumped and excluded. Now if I could work out what the wrong thing was, or people would tell me, I could avoid doing it. But that never happens! :roll:


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26 Nov 2023, 5:16 am

KitLily wrote:
e.g. when my daughter was little, she told me which kids she wanted to come to her birthday parties. So I invited those kids. Only to find that some of the mothers took offence when I didn't invite their kids. They thought I was doing a 'power move' but I was just trying to make my daughter happy.

What do you think?


This isn't a power move. Little kids always invite everyone in their class to their birthday parties. Those mothers probably took not being invited as rude or snobby.